Girl Drink Drunk: A Last-Minute Guide to St. Patrick’s Day Beers
In which one woman consumes all the proper St. Patrick’s Day beers she could find in a grocery aisle and tells you all about it.
For god’s sake, man, take off that awful “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” T-shirt and step away from the half-assed black and tan! Here are some suggestions for what you should be drinking this St. Paddy’s Day. It’s like the designer imposter series for beer (you know, “Instead of Acqua di Gio, wear Mascolino”): I pick some typical Irish pub brews and then offer you better alternatives. You should trust me, because I went to St. Patrick’s Catholic School. Which basically means I was drinking stouts by the age of ten.
As per usual, I wrote this in real time, but veered slightly off course when I reached the barrel-aged stouts (also as per usual). Now I’ve got a damn headache, so forgive me if I’m a bit crabbier than normal. Erin go Bragh!
Sam Adams Light
Instead of Bud Light
Whenever I think Sam Adams, I think of that Dropkick Murphys song. You know, that one that was in The Departed? It’s like Boston’s theme song, and Sam Adams is Boston’s beer. So set aside that plastic cup of Bud Light—or whatever crappy thing O’Hoolihan’s has added green food coloring to (yeesh)—and pick this up. It’s like the essence of St. Patrick’s Day, the body splash instead of the cologne.
Dry Irish Stout
Instead of Beamish Irish Stout
This is a bit different from the stouts I’ll be drinking later, in that it’s definitely dry—like a true Irish stout—with a slightly higher level of fizz. It’s an easy-drinking dark beer, which will pair well with your mam’s corned beef and cabbage.
Evil Twin Brewing
Instead of O’Hara’s Irish Wheat
If you’re looking for a nice mild brew, this is my pick: a clean and sharp Berliner Weisse. Plus, the can art is clever and simple, like much of Evil Twin’s art (see: Metro Man Imperial Stout). And we all know how important art is.
Dogfish Head Brewery
Instead of cider
A pleasant, refreshing mash-up of apricot nectar and hops; it’s fruit-forward and not too bitter. Recommend this to your friend who’s trying to order the cherry wheat before she starts getting tipsy and belligerent and saying stuff like, “If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it!”
Other Half Brewing Company
Green Diamonds Double IPA
Instead of O’Hara’s Double IPA
Way back at St. Patrick’s, we used to have “free dress” St. Paddy’s Day. That meant that we didn’t have to wear our school uniforms, but we did have to wear green. Sometimes we would get funny and wear anything we wanted, and then say, “Oh, but I have green underwear on!” which, in retrospect, is kind of ew. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, but I’ve had four beers and Green Diamonds is a damn good IPA. It leans more towards the grapefruit, lighter on the rind. It’s only available in NYC, so hit up your friends for a trade before they drink it all themselves.
First and foremost, I’d like people to stop comparing stouts to “chocolate milkshakes.” If you want a milkshake, drink a damn milkshake! Don’t drink a beer. If you want a touch of bourbon barrel that adds an edge of hotness to your stout, drink this. It’s not the “meal in a glass” that Guinness is, allowing you to drink much more. Also, Arthur Guinness was opposed to the United Irishmen during the 1798 rebellion. History, kids.
Instead of Murphy’s Irish Stout
So, here are the things that make Shipwreck Porter a good St. Paddy’s beer:
- Porter was first brewed in Ireland in 1776.
- It’s named Shipwreck, and the Irish like to sing about those kinds of things (see: Dropkick Murphys, “Drunken Sailor,” etc.)
- It’s fackin’ strong, and will test your mettle as a true Irishman/woman when you drink it at the end of a long beer binge.