Advice From Paradise: Love Advice (and Music) from Nedelle Torrisi

This week: going above-and-beyond in the Internet age, getting blindsided by your "soul mate," and starting a relationship with short-term barriers.

Hi, my name is Nedelle.

I’m a musician who started playing the violin and singing in musicals at age seven. I come from a Sicilian–American family; I’m the daughter of an ex-nun and an ex-priest who ended up working at a prison. My brother is a neuroscientist and will probably discover something really awesome someday. We’re all musicians, too.

I’ve put out a bunch of albums on different labels and under different monikers: Nedelle, Nedelle and Thom, and Cryptacize. The most recent one just came out on Ethereal Sequence/Drag City under my full name, Nedelle Torrisi, called Advice from Paradise.

I also began giving out love advice semi-professionally on my Tumblr a couple of years ago, after doing it unprofessionally for friends for years before that.

Have a question? Need some advice? Ask me anything at advicefromparadise@gmail.com or ask anonymously at advicefromparadise.tumblr.com.


Dear Advice From Paradise,

I recently wrote to a woman who I had only met one time and thought was awesome. It was a flattering email, but not creepy. Not only did she not respond, but I noticed some of her social media activity has tapered off recently. Do you think I freaked her out? I thought, in the Internet age, reaching out to her would be a normal thing to do.

Here’s the deal. Being sexy leads to sex. And sexy is very hard to communicate through an anonymous email. I mean, let’s be real, it was pretty much anonymous. Pretty, awesome girls get hit on so often that it takes that much more to really stand out. And, in my opinion, a lot of pretty girls are spoiled (not all, just some) and have high demands for men that try and court them. And an email can so easily be shrugged off because it isn’t based in reality. I think in circumstances like yours, we should pretend that the Internet doesn’t exist. There was a night. You met an awesome lady. Should’ve probably left it at that and let fate create your next meeting. Lesson learned!

Song recommendation: “If I Can’t Have You” by Yvonne Elliman

Dear Advice From Paradise,

How do you get over someone you feel you’re truly meant to be with, but they claim they’ve lost all romantic feelings for you? Total blindside. It’s been eight months. Thanks.

I was blindsided once like this. I spent a lot of time asking questions that couldn’t be answered, blaming myself, then him, then myself again. I finally stopped when I realized something very simple: We just weren’t a good fit. The realization was kind of like learning a language or how to play an instrument. At some point, after many months or even years of frustration, the veil lifts and you’re like, “Oh it makes sense.” This is because a “fit” implies that both parties agree that the relationship is working. And if it isn’t working for you both, then the idea that you’re meant to be with him or her is negated.

It was especially brutal for me because of all the silly expectations I had placed on the relationship. Since then, I’ve decided that relationships should start casually (in an ideal world). Eight months is very young, and maybe you two simply couldn’t go deeper together. Too much lovey-dovey shit too soon is always a recipe for disaster.

Song recommendation: “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again” by Dionne Warwick

Dear Advice From Paradise,

Should I start a relationship with someone I know is just visiting for a month? We get along really well, and in an ideal world we would start off long-distance and then end up living in the same city. But how realistic is this? Should I just bail before things get too heavy? Thank you!

I would refer to the second question of this column in which I encourage relationships to start out casually. When we put too much pressure on situations, bad things happen! People get hurt. Think of this as a friendship. You wouldn’t already be thinking about hopping cities with a new friend, right? That’s crazy. I understand that when the heart is involved, emotions can snowball, but for now, I’d just see where it leads without putting your imagination before your brain, so to speak.

Song recommendation: “Bound To Fall In Love” by Ponderosa Twins

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