The iPad 3 Doesn’t Exist Yet, But I Reviewed It Anyway

Credit: Apple Inc.
March 7, a day of superlatives.

The greatest yet! — or what the iPad 3 will be when Apple unveils it on March 7.

As for the specs, the iPad will have a higher screen resolution so every app looks great, pack more megapixels on both cameras so everyone looks great, and run on a faster processor so everything works great. The new exterior will resemble the previous model but have an ever-so-slight bevel that will drive consumers into a frenzy. It will come pre-loaded with even more apps than before, which means more icons to admire and touch. And the price: the same, almost as if Apple were giving these new features away. The iPad 3 will easily be the greatest iPad yet.

Here’s an ordered list of things that won’t be as great come March 7:

  1. iPad 2
  2. iPad 1
  3. Every other tablet on the market

In an allusion to item No. 3 above, Samsung executive Hankil Yoon said last week, “Honestly, we’re not doing very well in the tablet market.”

To make matters worse, so many employees at Samsung and elsewhere will either call in sick or leave work early, when the iPad 3 becomes available in stores, that millions of dollars will be lost in un-productivity, only to be offset by the increase in Apple’s profitability.

Credit: Jesse Young

Like collapsing supernovas, Apple stores around the world will suck in millions of people with too much disposable income and rearrange them into neatly formed lines. Those waiting will then broadcast their whereabouts (using iPhones, of course) to anyone who will pay attention and on every website with which they have an account. They will stand patiently in line while conversing with each other, but one forbidden topic of conversation is Apple’s labor practices. There shall be no talk of Mike Daisey or Foxconn for the same reason one does not discuss priest scandals as they enter a church.

Even the mainstream media will become pro-Apple — that is, until a blogger discovers a minor flaw in the iPad 3, leaving even those who didn’t buy one with no choice but to direct the worst kind of vitriol at Apple. The following day, Consumer Reports will inevitably release a statement that recommends an Android tablet over the iPad.

But worry not, for Apple will right all wrongs by issuing a patch. Then they will be great again.

And all this begins on March 7, when the Jobs-less rate is at an all-time high and the world bares witness to the greatest thing since the iPad 2.

Flood Magazine rates the iPad 3.5 out of 5 stars