Dudes, You Can’t Make a New “Mummy” Movie without Brendan Fraser

Get that Tom Cruise shit outta here.

Full disclosure: I’ve never actually seen any of the original Universal Mummy movies. As far as I’m concerned, the 1999 version of The Mummy was a Stephen Sommers original classic. The movie had everything: vaguely convincing Egyptian history, moderately convincing PG-13 battle scenes, surprisingly convincing sand-wall CGI. Everything.

Most of all, though, you know what was the film’s biggest asset? Of course you know. It was a star-turning role in one Brendan Fraser. Yes, he had already dazzled audiences with memorable spots in Encino Man and Airheads, but this was something else. Charisma! Humor! Unnecessary flexing! So commanding a role, in fact, that, for once in Rachel Weisz’s career, she didn’t completely steal the show. That’s right—Brendan Fraser was able to do something that Ralph Fiennes could not. Counter that. I dare you.

image via Reddit user Rohfisch

image via Reddit user Rohfisch

So is it hypocritical to be mad now—knowing that Sommers’s trilogy was itself a remake—about the news that they’re rebooting the series with some guy named Tom Cruise? I dunno, would you be mad if they made a Scorpion King sequel without The Rock? Actually, don’t answer that.

The fact of the matter is, Fraser needs another shot at this thing. It’s been years since he’s been been in anything substantial, and that clearly isn’t for lack of trying—at least according to his rather strange list of recent projects on IMDb. He’s willing and able (it can reasonably be assumed), and this is his turf you’re stepping on. I know it, you know it, and the public knows it. If you think there won’t be consequences for such a shameless act of negligence, then you’re sorely mistaken. Thus, if you want this new installment of The Mummy to resemble anything close to a success, you’d be strongly advised to find a spot for ol’ Rick O’Connell in it.

Our demands are clear. There’s a subreddit for this and everything. If firing Tom Cruise (or the newly-cast Russell Crowe) is what it takes, get it done or you will feel the Internet’s wrath. That, or redesign Fraser’s website for him. That would be dope.

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