Britney Spears’ Pop Songs Are Scoring a Fairy Tale Musical

Which Brit classics should feature in Once Upon a One More Time? We've got some suggestions. 

Presumably inspired by Angela Carter, a revisionist feminist fairy tale musical is coming to Broadway: Once Upon a One More Time opens this fall in Chicago, and will feature over twenty songs from the poppiest princess of them all, Britney Spears.

In the show, familiar Disney gals Snow White, Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty are members of a book club—but they’re fresh out of new things to read, and so a fairy godmother bestows upon them Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique, after which their lives are forever altered (and their patience with the kingdom’s patriarchy is forever disrupted).

“These women have been in this hermetically sealed world, and then they start to get deeper into modern ideas—second and third-wave feminism—and also explore how stories are passed down to us, and where we get our norms from,” explained Jon Hartmere, the author of the book upon which the musical is based.

We can’t be sure which BSpears songs, exactly, will make the fairy tale cut—but we have some suggestions.

“I’m a Slave 4 U” — Sung mournfully by Cinderella, natch, as she is tidying up after her stepsisters. Will transition into a more triumphant and pissed-off “Work Bitch,” during which Cindy finally has enough of cleaning toilets and dumps a bucket of dirty mop water over her stepmother’s head (#mopbucketchallenge), screaming threateningly all the while: “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better work bitch!” 

“Circus” — The power-hungry Fairy Godmother might sing this as she’s cracking the whip and controlling all the princesses’ lives, thanks to her unregulated and assumedly unchecked magical prowess. (“I’m like the ringleader, I call the shots / I’m like a firecracker, I make it hot when I put on a show.”)

“I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” — No word yet on whether the Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood will become part of the musical—but if he does, this should be his big I’m-not-your-granny reveal. He’ll be all, “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman / Actually, I’m a wolf / Nom, nom, nom.”

“Overprotected” — This one is pretty cut-and-dry. Rapunzel is kept famously sequestered in a tower, with visitors who climb up her long golden tresses to say hello. But she’s not allowed to leave the tower, which sucks. (Also, her split ends are probably like a mile high. )

“3” — We know this song’s about a threesome, thus Snow White seems a natural fit to sing it—she lives with seven men, after all, and I’m betting she likes at least two of them in that way. This can transition into “Toxic,” during which SW eats a poisoned apple and falls into a deep coma (“You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ under”).

“If U Seek Amy” — Y’all know it blew your tiny mind to discover that phonetically, Brit is singing “F.U.C.K. me” here. I’m pegging the Wicked Queen to this song, because she’s mean-sexy (hello, Charlize Theron): “Love me, hate me, say what you want about me / But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.”

“Lucky” — Technically, this song is about Britney feeling secretly sad despite all her riches, since she’s living in virtual isolation (“If there’s nothing missing in my life / Then why do these tears come at night?”) but in this context, Sleeping Beauty could sing it because of how damn lucky she is to be asleep all the time. A non-stop nap without guilt? What a life. Permanently tapped out of the 24/7 apocalyptic news cycle? Sign me up. 

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