The 10 Hottest Chris Farrens, Ranked
The power pop songwriter lives every artist’s dream and ranks ten of his stunning Born Hot self-portraits for us.
Chris Farren was born hot. That’s not something most of us can relate to, as most babies don’t become physically attractive until after they’ve hit puberty—but based on the show flyers Farren drew up for this current round of U.S. dates, the songwriter has maintained the same stunning physique through animophications and medieval fantasies alike.
There’s a reason for said tour dates, and that is the forthcoming release of his second solo album, Born Hot, which can best be described as aphrodisiac synth-punk, or Illinois-inspired power pop, or, most specifically, pop-punk written by someone who has been hot for so long that self-confidence has never really been an issue and therefore never feels the helpless longing that typically invigorates the genre.
With all of us lesser-hots looking forward to October 11 for so long, we wanted to take a look back at the months leading up to BH’s release date to truly appreciate Farren’s diligent—though superfluous—effort to draw a crowd at recent tour stops with creative hand-drawn show flyers depicting the songwriter going about his everyday life as an unfathomably hot individual. We asked Farren to rank a handful of the standouts from his portfolio, and to give us a little back story on the scenes being depicted. Readers, I implore you: hold on to your butts.
This is a deeply disturbing image from the mind of a deranged freak. It is still hotter than most pieces of art, but of these ten paintings, this is the least hot. By the looks of things, it appears to be a human bird creature with my face for its entire torso. Really sick and twisted stuff. Still hot, but gross.
Here we have my face on an elk’s body. You get the sense I am being spied on by two faceless deer in the background. This is simply the life I lead, always wondering if people are looking at me because of my elk body and human face.
This is a great drawing of me being lifted up in celebration by my teammates, who are also me. By the looks of our outfits we are reveling in some sort of sporting victory. This is very hot because there are three times more of me than normal, and my skin is blue. Blue is undeniably one of the sexiest colors.
Side ranking of sexy colors:
5) Mustard Yellow
2) Egg white
The concept of being a cat is very sexy to many people, and also the thought of eating a little version of yourself is also a sexy little thought for many. I don’t particularly share these fantasies but I love to express myself artistically in many different non-linear ways, and isn’t that so interesting? Yes!
Of the many winter sports, skiing is one of them. Here you see me flying through the air with a blue and red ski outfit, strapped to purple skis. You might think an activity so cold would be antithetical to the premise of a “hot” ranking, and you are right. Nonetheless, I look great and this is my number six pic for this great list I am making.
My friends and I were in a softball league a few years ago and I was, across the board, revered as “the worst player on the team”; a title I was handed, I suspect, mostly due to jealousy because I was actually very good, I just didn’t really care about the game and didn’t understand the rules and didn’t play as good as anyone else.
There is nothing sexier than skipping around. We all know there are many ways to get around in this life and I’m not afraid to admit that skipping around is the best.
Side ranking of sexiest ways to travel by foot:
2) Rolling on your side downhill
3. Los Angeles
My first instrument, as everyone knows, is a big beautiful harp. I know how to play them, they have a hundred strings and each one makes a different sound. Harp strings are so loud it is illegal to pluck them outdoors. It’s also universally known as the “hot person’s instrument.” I didn’t know that until recently, but I guess it makes sense. This painting of me in my study wearing my pajama tuxedo is one of my top ten hottest pieces of art. If I had to really put a number on it I would say it is number three.
There is a bit of a cowboynescciance happening now and I am ~*here for it*~. This cowboynescciance is giving me life right now. This cowboynescciance is everything. This cowboynescciance is also providing me with all of the feels. All kidding aside, this painting is sexy because I am dressed as a cowboy in it.
You might think to yourself “this is sexy because of the bed and Chris is in the bed,” which is very smart but also actually very stupid. This art is my number one hot piece of art because if you look closely on my nightstand, I am reading a book—one of my favorite things to read. And if you look even equally as close, you will notice the book is red, which as we learned earlier in this list is the number one sexiest color alive. Thank you for your time, goodbye forever! FL