Oh Sees, “Orc”

Oh Sees
Orc
CASTLE FACE
7/10

ARGHH—OH SEES NAME NEW ALBUM AFTER SAURON’S CHILDREN, FINALLY WE GET RECOGNITION WE DESERVE. ALBUM LOUD AND PROUD LIKE ORC. PUNY HUMAN PLAY BIG LOUD NOISES. “THE STATIC GOD” SOUND LIKE WHEN WE ALL CLANK SWORDS AND STOMP FEET BEFORE STOMPING ON MISTER FRODO PERFECTLY ROUND FACE. ARGHH—BUT “KEYS TO THE CASTLE” SOUND LONG AND BORING, IT HAVE WIMPY HOBBIT VIOLIN THAT MAKE ME THINK OH SEES HIDING SOMETHING. WHEN ORC STORM CASTLE WE DON’T WORRY ABOUT HAVING SILLY HUMAN KEY, WE BANG ON DOOR AND CLIMB UP BIG LADDER BEFORE WE PILLAGE. HISTORICAL INACCURACY MAKE ME WANT TO CRUSH JOHN DWYER!

MY FAVORITE SONG “ANIMATED VIOLENCE.” I LISTEN WHEN PUNY HUMANS AT SO-CALLED “CATERING” TRY TO MAKE ORC EAT HUMMUS PLATE INSTEAD OF DWARF STEW. IT REMIND ME OF WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT—DEMANDING CREW THAT WE GET FLESH TO EAT OR ENTIRE ORC ARMY WALK OFF SET IN STRIKE.

“CADAVER DOG” SOUND JUST LIKE OLD ORC FOLK SONG WITH ORGAN. MAYBE HE ONE OF US. THAT SONG MAKE ME REMEMBER DAY WHEN MY ORC NOSE GET CUT OFF BY GIRLY ELF MAN. I USED TO WAKE UP TO THE SWEET-AND-SOUR SMELL OF ORC SLOP BECKONING TO ME IN THE MORNING. NOW WHEN I WAKE THERE IS NEVER SMELL. IT JUST ME IN TENT WITH KEVIN, OLIPHANT DRIVER WHO ALWAYS SNORE. ARGHH—ORC NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL LONGING! OH SEES WHY YOU MAKE ME REMEMBER VERY HARD TIME?! HOW YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME MISTER DWYER? ONLY WAY YOU KNOW IS IF YOU ORC… OR IF YOU ELF MAN!

I LIKE “PARANOISE.” SONG SO FUNNY. BLACK SABBATH MOST POPULAR BAND WITH MORDOR YOUTH, MANY YOUNG ORC LISTEN AND FROWN ABOUT WOMAN NOT HELPING WITH MIND. VERY RELATABLE. BUT IT FUNNY BECAUSE OH SEES TAKE SONG “PARANOID” AND ADD “NOISE” TO IT BECAUSE SONG ALSO VERY LOUD. BUT WHEN ME ACTUALLY LISTEN TO SONG IT VERY QUIET WITH LITTLE MACHINE THAT SOUND LIKE BUBBLE MAKER RINGING IN BACKGROUND. GIVE ORC HEADACHE!

REST OF ALBUM LONG AND QUIET. EASY TO FORGET THAT MUSIC EVEN THERE, THEN FOR A SECOND JOHN DWYER POP OUT OF NOWHERE ON “DROWNED BEAST” MAKING NOISE, THEN GO SILENT AGAIN. SONGS LIKE WHEN ROUND FACE HOBBIT PUT RING ON AND DISAPPEAR THEN POP UP AGAIN WITH LITTLE GROSS IMP MAN. EVEN WORSE OH SEES WRITE SONG ABOUT “COOLING.” ORC SPREAD FIRE. ORC MAKE WORLD WARMER WITH HEAT AND STEEL. GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR “COOLING TOWER” PUNY HUMAN JOHN DWYER!

I HEAR FROM HIGH CAPTAIN  GOTHMOG THAT JOHN DWYER CHANGE NAME FROM THEE OH SEES. HE TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF ORC PUNCTUATION? MAYBE JOHN DWYER TRYING TO PRETEND HE ORC TOO. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING PUNY HUMAN JOHN DWYER, RING POSSIBLY?

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