The showbiz lifestyle isn’t all about Chrysler Pacificas and trips to The Old Spaghetti Factory, but these types of luxuries sure are a perk of the trade. To hear industry veterans Chris Farren and Diners (one of them, seasonally appropriately, being a Jigsaw survivor) tell it in their behind-the-scenes account of being on the road, this play-hard element of tour life wouldn’t be possible without the complementary work-hard attitude earning them these luxuries in the first place, whether that be cranking out their signature “perfect sets” on stage every night or off-stage duties like pumping gas and/or balloons for not-entirely-explained reasons (the balloons, I mean—we get a pretty thorough explanation of what the gas is for).

Documenting their recent sojourn across the US in support of Farren’s recent Doom Singer LP and Blue Broderick’s latest album as Diners, Domino, the joint tour diary both musicians shared with us provides a backstage pass to the relentless and inevitable pampering that comes hand-in-hand with being a musician at literally any level, from the unending cycle of single-use guitars to access to really, really big books about The Beatles—to say nothing of rubbing elbows with NBA superstars at what is, again, a very exclusive spaghetti destination.

Check out their field notes below.

CHRIS FARREN

11 a.m. We are up bright and early for a beautiful morning show in Washington DC. After soundcheck I go backstage and blow up two bags of balloons and put them on these little shelves.

12 p.m. Oops, I was having so much fun playing our show that I forgot about the balloons, so we have to put two bags of blown-up balloons in our rental luxury SUV and bring them to the next city.

1 p.m. Back to the hotel for a short nap before the next show.

2 p.m. We arrive in Dallas to soundcheck, but unfortunately Frankie is a skeleton now, and about two-thirds of her normal size on top of that. We play the show regardless—and it’s great, but it’s one of the worst merch nights of the tour.

3 p.m. On the way to the San Diego show my right to privacy is stripped from me by the singer of the opening band. Here I am politely waving at her, but inside I am furious she has seen me driving my luxury SUV.

4 p.m. We arrive in San Diego and realize we haven’t taken any pictures for a big press opportunity, so Blue poses with her big Beatles book.

4:30 p.m. It’s a big book and she is still reading it!

5 p.m. Diners, Frankie (skin and muscles grew back), and I pose for an “end of tour” photo, a tradition in our industry.

DINERS

Today I woke up around 9 a.m., just about two hours before Chris and Frankie typically wake up. Bless their little hearts! They must be so tired from all that headlining. Shhhhh, mustn’t wake them!

Time to pump the gas! Now this is some real tour life stuff. You see, gas flows from the fuel tank and is mixed with air and pumped into a metal cylinder. A piston at one end of the cylinder compresses the gas-air mixture and a spark plug ignites it causing a small explosion and that explosion somehow makes our 2023 Chrysler Pacifica rental go, go, go!

All gassed up, we finally hit the road. Unfortunately, we made a wrong turn in Albuquerque, but thankfully we still had time to hit the local music shop. (Typically, we prefer to buy all new guitars for every show. That way the strings don’t get gross.)

Made it to San Diego and with a little time to spare before our soundcheck, so we stopped by City Hall to speak to the mayor. We like doing this. It’s a way to shake hands, rub elbows, and explain a little bit about what we’re doing for the local economy. Sometimes they give us money and a key to the city or something. Sadly, the mayor wasn’t home today. So we kinda just played on our phones until it was time to soundcheck.

For dinner, I took my band (Aaron, Corbin, and Ava) to a fancy dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory for being very good. I don’t know why Ava isn’t in this picture, but apparently NBA legend LeBron James walked by us and we didn’t see him.

The show was incredible, the energy was palpable, and the audience was kind enough to buy all our merchandise. Chris and Frankie performed their signature perfect set, and after everyone left, we took our little end-of-tour photo with the whole tour crew [see above]. As a show of gratitude, Chris Farren gave us a wad of cash to blow at the local Margaritaville. I tell you, there’s no business like show business, and there’s no people like show people. Bless this industry.

FLOOD

Chris Farren

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DELIVERED STRAIGHT TO YOUR INBOX