Advice From Paradise: Love Advice (and Music) from Nedelle Torrisi
This week: reconnecting with the past, a new love interest with past hang-ups, plus of Montreal’s Kevin Barnes weighs in on long-distance relationships.
Hi, my name is Nedelle.
I’m a musician who started playing the violin and singing in musicals at age seven. I come from a Sicilian–American family; I’m the daughter of an ex-nun and an ex-priest who ended up working at a prison. My brother is a neuroscientist and will probably discover something really awesome someday. We’re all musicians, too.
I’ve put out a bunch of albums on different labels and under different monikers: Nedelle, Nedelle and Thom, and Cryptacize. The most recent one just came out on Ethereal Sequence/Drag City under my full name, Nedelle Torrisi, called Advice from Paradise.
I also began giving out love advice semi-professionally on my Tumblr a couple of years ago, after doing it unprofessionally for friends for years before that.
Have a question? Need some advice? Ask me anything at firstname.lastname@example.org.
A month ago I received a text from an unknown number. I found out it’s a girl that I had stopped talking to a while back because it was long distance and seemed to be going nowhere. We started talking again and my feelings are stronger than ever. But she’s not available, and now I’m afraid I’ll never find someone I like as much as her. It’s wearing me out emotionally. Thank you for any help!
When you cut off contact with her, you also, in effect, started holding your breath. You were frozen like a mannequin, all the while knowing that she was out there, moving about the world and doin’ her thang. In order to release yourself from this torturous, bizarro state, you have to change your mind about her. Go on, do it! She wasn’t the “one and only” because there is no “one and only.” You must make more of an effort to meet new people and put this lady in the past. Move to a bigger city, or do whatever it takes. (I wish she hadn’t contacted you; that was careless and tacky of her.) Also, I hate to say it, but you should cut her off again. Only when you’ve decided that there are many other fish in the sea will you truly be able to move on. Good luck!
Song recommendation: “Set Me Free” by The Kinks
I recently started seeing someone and he told me he was still a little bit hung up on his ex. I think he is worth the fight, though. Should I fight to win him over or run the other way?
Pretend that this guy’s heart is made of cake. If he says that he’s just a little bit hung up on his ex, the truth is she’s probably holding the entire cake (and can still eat it, too). He might be able to cut you a little slice if you’re lucky, but that’s just not enough cake for you! You’re hungry, right? A relationship should start out fun and not end in a fight for the biggest piece (or a food fight). It’s too messy too soon. I suggest you find a different person to love who is willing to love you back unabashedly. Good luck!
Song recommendation: “The Boy Is Mine” by Brandy & Monica
I’d like to welcome my first guest columnist, Kevin Barnes! Kevin is one of the most creative and funny people I’ve ever known. He is the leader of the band of Montreal.
Dear Advice from Paradise,
I am currently in a relationship with someone who lives across the country. But the relationship always seems to “fail” when I go to visit her. She says I don’t give her enough love, and I always end up being sent back home. This has been going on for a few years.
Recently, I found another lover. I don’t want to tell anyone about my new lover because I’m not interested in dealing with the repercussions. Please don’t hate me, dear advice columnist. I think that my question should be something to the extent of, “Dear Self, what the F is wrong with me?”
Hi. So my advice to you is to end the long-distance relationship. It seems like a fairly negative and unfulfilling relationship for both of you. The fact that you’ve found someone new, whom you feel good and excited about, should serve as the impetus to move forward into a more positive romantic situation. I know it is difficult to put an end to something that has existed in your life for a while and has been a priority for you, but it seems like it’s going nowhere. Don’t feel guilty about it, either. You tried to make it work and it’s just not happening. If she’s so dissatisfied with her perception of your love for her then it probably won’t be all that devastating for her anyway. You deserve to be in a healthy, beautiful and exciting relationship with someone who truly appreciates you and who isn’t habitually disappointed. Step into the light, my friend, and don’t look back.
Song recommendation: “Funnel of Love” by Wanda Jackson