Welcome to Rearview Mirror, a monthly movie column in which I re-view and then re-review a movie I have already seen under the new (and improved?) critical lens of 2022. I’m so happy you’re here.
Weary of immortality, the vampire Lestat settles down for a long slumber, but is awakened by the power of, uh, punk rock, and so decides to become a shirtless, leather-pants-wearing lead singer while also openly admitting that he is a vampire, which has minor consequences for the rest of the undead world. This catches the attention of Jesse, a vamp-curious girl-next-door type who has, funnily enough, been studying the underworld with a secret society of occult academics, and has also had supernatural dreams since she was a kid. As Lestat prepares for his Big Concert in California’s Death Valley (a spot chosen, seemingly, for its name), he also revives Queen Akasha, a sexy, powerful goddess of the damned from ancient times, mother of all the bloodsuckers, who wants to destroy and/or take over the world. She looks an awful lot like Aaliyah.
If the above sounds like a fanfic someone might have written after reading (or seeing) Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire, a la the many One Direction fits that have proliferated since, guess again. First of all, Anne Rice has denounced fan fiction. Second, it’s a real movie! Based (loosely, from what I can tell) on the sequel to Interview, called Queen of the Damned. Starring pretty boy Stuart Townsend as Lestat, Aaliyah as Akasha, and almost-it-girl of the aughts Marguerite Moreau as Jesse, it’s probably best remembered as the movie that came out after Aaliyah died. But given the Twilight renaissance, is it due for reconsideration?
Short answer: It’s pretty boring and bad. Long answer: you might like watching it drunk with your friends.
To the extent that 1994’s Interview works, it’s because Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Oscar nominee Kirsten Dunst are acting the absolute shit out of it. No such luck in this case. Townsend truly does seem like he’s just woken up, Moreau is lost, and Aaliyah (RIP) doesn’t get enough screen time to make any real choices for her barely-human character. She hisses a lot and looks cool, but that’s about it. The dialogue mostly consists of people walking into rooms, introducing themselves, and then explaining what’s going on—but in case you’re still confused, there are also two voice-overs from both Lestat and Jesse. Lestat’s band, I’m sorry to say, produces zero fun songs, though the on-the-nose lyrics about death and being dead are much appreciated.
The film does have occasional moments of self-aware humor, particularly in its over-the-top sexuality: there’s a lingering shot of a (man’s) nipple piercing; Lestat and a vampire friend consider the city while sitting on a platform in front of a billboard of Lestat (more specifically, in front of his crotch); Lestat and Akasha have slo-mo sex in a bathtub filled with red rose petals.
Think about how hard it is to screw up a vampire story. Immortality at a price, the risk of burning up in the sun, the attraction and repulsion…there’s so much there! Pick a theme, any theme, plug it into the vampire matrix and you’re most of the way to an outline.
But there is no mystery, no pathos, no heart, and no humor. I’ll go to bat for the basic elements of Twilight working, and despite Whedon’s many shortcomings, Buffy has a place in my heart. I haven’t watched The Vampire Diaries, but I know it’s about a love triangle and I can get why that’s appealing. With Queen of the Damned, there’s just no structure. Nothing driving the events, no question to be answered.
It’s almost impressive. Think about how hard it is to screw up a vampire story. Immortality at a price, the risk of burning up in the sun, the attraction and repulsion…there’s so much there! Pick a theme, any theme, plug it into the vampire matrix and you’re most of the way to an outline. Yet the screenplay absolutely refuses to pick a point of view or a central conflict, introducing characters at random and providing information as needed to justify the next interaction. It really does feel so much like the work of an amateur fan playing around in a universe someone else created. Which, even according to Rice herself, is basically what happened.
The upside of this plotlessness, though, is that you can totally be on your phone while also keeping an eye on the movie, and you’ll miss nothing. You can make a snack, scroll TikTok, pet your cat, or paint your nails without having to stop for an iconic scene, because none of the scenes are iconic. If you ever find yourself tipsy with friends and you’ve seen the Twilight movies just one too many times recently (it happens!), Queen of the Damned is a decent substitute, but only as background noise. If you’re actually looking for entertainment, this ain’t it. More likely, it’ll put you to sleep. That is, until you’re awoken by the awesome power of punk rock. FL
