Advice From Paradise: Love Advice (and Music) from Nedelle Torrisi
This week: fighting the depression that comes with the end of a relationship and how to tell whether all a guy wants is sex.
My name is Nedelle Torrisi. I’m a musician and have a bunch of albums out on different labels and under different monikers: Nedelle, Nedelle and Thom, and Cryptacize. The most recent one just came out on Ethereal Sequence/Drag City under my full name, and it’s called Advice from Paradise.
I began giving out love advice on my Tumblr a couple of years ago, and I’m happy to have it run in FLOOD.
I’m dealing with feelings of depression since the ending of my first serious relationship. It happened more than a year ago but I still feel sad over it. It doesn’t help that I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was twenty-four, which makes me feel like it will take forever to find someone new. I often think he doesn’t miss me and will have no trouble finding a hot new girl, while I’m alone and miserable. I do love myself and have good friends, so why do I still feel so lonely?
Hey, I’ve totally been there, and so have a lot of other people on this planet. Maybe you can find some solace in just knowing that heartbreak happens. And it takes tons of time to get over it. It can feel like a major, metaphorical death and you might even want to talk to a counselor about it. Also, try not to assume negative things—think positively! He still cares about you and misses you and maybe won’t find a new girl soon. That being said, some guys I’ve broken up with have found new girls very soon after we broke up, and I was shocked! Life just happens, you know? You can’t stop it.
Healthy things to do: spend lots of time with friends, spend time with animals, swim, bike, yoga, volunteer, meditate, keep very focused on your life goals, have rebounds (no shame in shallow affections), read self-help books, read great novels, find new places to hang out, and like I said, maybe see a counselor/therapist.
Things not to do: Look at old photos, stalk him on social media, (no stalking, PLEASE) listen to songs you both liked, watch rom-coms, and think of him. Yes, that’s right, try not to think of him.
The more you work on yourself and feel happy and hopeful, the easier it will be to get out in the world and meet a new dude. I promise you the next one is around the corner, and he will recognize your special qualities like the other guy did, but now you have experience under your belt to help the new relationship work better. Good luck!
Song Recommendation: “O-O-H Child” by The Five Stairsteps
How can I stop guys from viewing me as a hookup? I’m so frustrated! I’m really starting to hate guys—even the “nice” ones aren’t obvious about it, but they just want to hook up, too. It seems all guys want to do is have casual sex.
Yeah, guys can be dogs, but to be fair, girls can be, too. I’m going to assume that a lot of factors beyond your control are affecting this aspect of your life, like how old you are, where you live, and the people you’re meeting at the moment. Things should and will get better as you build your life. But there are things that you can do to improve your situation now! Here are three important examples:
One is to really hone your instincts about men. I’ve heard so many stories where ladies are like, “I thought he was a good one!” And either I or someone else saw that the dude was no good. This instinct will help you sniff out the dirty dogs and avoid them.
Secondly, you have to ask for what you want in this world. Of course, be tactful; you don’t want to ask if a guy is ready for marriage on the first date, but you also shouldn’t sleep with him until you know what his larger intentions are. You can definitely use the phrase “I just want to get to know a person before hopping in the sack.” This is so reasonable, no one can argue against it. And if you say this and never hear from the dude again, don’t be surprised—that’s just where some people are in life—but at least you didn’t waste too much time with him!
Finally, I think there is a certain no-nonsense attitude that we have to adopt in order to scare away the dummies. Ask yourself, “Does he seem genuinely interested in who I am? Is he interested in learning about the things that I value and find interesting, or does he not seem to care about those things?” Maybe in general we should be more grumpy and less giggly. More tough, less sweet. Something along those lines. Some vibe that says “take me seriously because my time is valuable and I’m not fucking around with just anyone.” Good luck!
Song Recommendation: “Never No More” by Aaliyah