Ellen DeGeneres is courting controversy by endorsing Kevin Hart for 2019 Oscar host. Hart recently stepped down from the job after refusing to apologize for some old homophobic tweets. Well, we want to court controversy too. But our picks actually make sense (no offense, Ellen). Hear me, Academy: Choose wisely. From our list. Or suffer the consequences. (That was not a threat, just a vague but prescient warning.)
Warning number two: This list contains some spoilers for movies and some A Star Is Born shade. Without further ado:
1) Jimmy Fallon and Werner Herzog, together only
Two men were never so equally matched. The morbid filmmaker’s energy, like a black hole of doom and German industriousness, will cancel out the manic, frantic excess of The Tonight Show’s frontman. What happens when an unstoppable force (Jim) meets an immovable object (Herz)? Only one way to find out.
2) The ninety-nine people in the room who didn’t believe in Lady Gaga
We’ve all heard the anecdote Gaga recited ad nauseam throughout the Star Is Born press tour. But here’s the thing: A Star Is Born isn’t a very good movie (lacks depth, intellect, staying power) thus maybe those ninety-nine people had a point. Strength in numbers. Let’s pile ’em on the stage.
3) The hot Mandarin duck who lives in Central Park
For the sake of eye candy, mostly. Also, the Oscars take place in Hollywood, which means New Yorkers will be furious that we’ve stolen their prize mascot. I’ve noticed New Yorkers are sort of competitive with Angelenos.
An odd and unexpected duo? Yes. A pairing that makes absolute sense musically, logistically, and emotionally? Also yes. They’ve already collaborated on some sweet reggae tunes, so the chemistry is there. All that’s missing is…an audience.
5) Tilda Swinton in various prosthetics
You know how Tilda appears as two different characters—both in her True Form and as an old man with a prosthetic penis—in Suspiria? Well, what if she did that all night long? Each time she appears onstage, she can be a new person. (Ideally, all Tilda iterations will have decent prosthetic penises.)
6) The birds from Bird Box
In this highly-memeable Netflix Original, some birds in a shoebox begin to chirp every time a mysterious ~*force*~ approaches Sandra Bullock, to warn her. But at the Oscars, they can start to tweet—literally tweet, not via the Internet—every time someone undeserving wins an award. Which will be constantly. It’ll make things awkward, but memorable.
7) J.K. Rowling
Another day, another instance of Rowling coming up with senseless, embarrassing Harry Potter trivia long after she should’ve piped down. As Oscar host, whenever someone wins an award, she’ll be like, “Oh, it’s funny Lady Gaga is up here, because I actually intended the character of Hermione to be Lady Gaga’s mother, though readers never knew that because Hermione gave her up for adoption, that’s why she’s seen so much hardship and became a great singer, anyway you can see it makes sense because they’re both strong feminists” or whatever.
8) Marie Kondo
She can eliminate “clutter” from the theater, dismissing celeb hangers-on and audience members one by one. Eventually, her tidying will bring her front and center, where she’ll pick off renowned actors gently, assuring them that their departure will “open up” the room… Until only Olivia Colman (see: The Favourite) is left. As it should be.
