The New Emojis, Ranked
Ten new non-verbal ways to express yo'self.
As of yesterday, 230 new emojis have been approved for 2019. That’s right: We’ve got more ways to express ourselves now than ever before. Words are becoming superfluous. Emojis are your God now.
Some of these are wildly necessary, some are weird AF, and some….well, some seem to hold sinister intent.
Anyway, our ranking from Worst to Best.
10) Ugh. A banjo. White male hipsters everywhere will be sending this to women they’re tryna woo.
9) Is this a f#*$ing drop of blood? I hate it. It’s so pointy and sharp and alarming.
8) Is this a yawn? Or is this someone covering their mouth and furrowing their brows whilst deep in the throes of philosophical anguish? The eyes look sleepy, but the Natalie Portman–level eyebrows tell a different tale.
7) Nothing good has ever come from waggling a finger at someone. It’s condescending, it’s dogmatic, it’s sassy. It’s worse than “poking” them on Facebook. Never use this.
6) This emoji is fine and I have no qualms with it, technically—there are now couples holding hands in every conceivable gender and racial combination. Sweet! Love! However, there are no redheads anywhere, in any emoji. And that is insulting to my girls Julianne Moore, Amy Adams, and Lucille Ball.
5) If I’m not sending my friends and family a smiling juicebox, I’m not living. Frankly, I’m not sure how I lasted this long without one.
4) This is cool. There’s now a variety of disability-themed emoijs (wheelchair, walking stick, hearing aid). Inclusivity is never bad, unless you are including Nazis or people who still buy Chris Brown records or something.
3) The only thing I don’t absolutely love about service dogs is that sometimes I want to pet one but it’s wearing a vest that says “Do Not Pet,” and I feel robbed of something special. If only I could cuddle this emoji.
2) Here’s an otter with big black eyes and tiny paws, rolled over on his back like a lil’ cutie. Otters are playful and hold hands when they float side-by-side in the water to keep themselves from drifting apart. If you don’t like otters, you are a cop.
1) This is technically a pinching hand, but fed-up women everywhere have already declared it the “small dick emoji,” all the better to mock men with. And tbh if those men deserve it, I’m here for it.