We may still be a little ways off from Valentine's Day, but if you wanna get an early start on ideas to woo that special someone, your local Craigslist “missed connections” section may be of some assistance. But rather than blindly taking notes from these certainly successful Hail-Mary posts, we recommend you defer to Mamalarky—a band who, as legend has it, solidified their lineup with a Tinder swipe—who can help you land on a vibe for your message. After matching with their vocalist Livvy Bennett on the hookup app, the fourpiece are gearing up to release their self -titled debut album this Friday—but are eager to unload some romance (?) advice today.
“Navigating Craigslist is a sport,” Bennett explains. “I'm proud to admit I’m on it every day, so I’m pretty much a professional athlete. The ‘free’ section is where I spend most of my time—you just never know. Jobs, gigs—obviously on there too. We’ve also found some real gems in the furniture section. However the most vibrant section of all is ‘missed connections.’ We’re only checking for entertainment, OK? Jeez.”
Countering the emotionally composed and only slightly downcast rock of their new album, they’ve found the “missed connection” posts they hurtle through with commendable endurance can be easily categorized for your convenience. “My bandmate Noor and I will be breaking down the four sections of Craigslist ‘missed connections’ for you: Wholesome, Haunted, Horny, and Needs the Rosetta Stone to Decode,” Bennett continues. “We had a nice alliteration sound going for a second, but the last category is pertinent. To be clear, ‘missed connections’ has become a hub for general outreach to other humans, you’ll see.”
Mamalarky is out Friday via Fire Talk Records—you can pre-order it here.
WHOLESOME
This section is probably the nicest of all. Chance encounters at the grocery store or park, it feels pretty romantic overall. Let’s look at some examples.
Classic, just-friends maneuver! Our favorite line, “No men etc.” Overall this makes us kind of sad, but also hopeful that this person could find another true friend on CL. They’re right—pandemic sucks, problems everywhere, yes. We’re trying to make new friends online too, fuck it.
We’re freaking out imagining this sexy game stop mom encounter. It’s also wholesome because like, really, in the GameStop? Do people get horny at GameStop? I don’t know, I just love the idea of chemistry sparking there. I saw a lot of Home Depot and Lowe’s encounters, the GameStop feels special because it's not a Home Depot, but close to one.
HAUNTED
Haunted really just means sad breakup shit posts.
That…hurt to read. Imagining them writing this breaks our hearts. Forgetting to breath is dramatic but we totally understand. We hope they move on and find the happiness and fulfillment that has been inside them all along.
Not the worst CL poem I’ve read. This is definitely specific. Highlights for us were the extensive list of rock stations and the John Hughes shout out. Missed connections like these are so deeply personal that they feel almost invasive to read.
HORNY
I really hope they get their hickory piece back :/
Honestly, how many cars are there really these days with wood interiors? This is a really niche market, but we do sense potentially a sexual undertone. I mean why else would you agree to do this for free for someone if you weren’t feeling flirty?
NEEDS THE ROSETTA STONE TO DECODE
Sorry what…I’m just…can’t tell if we’re missing something here. Did someone say this to someone else? It was at a golf club according to the map, maybe this is just a quote from their interaction. Good to know we can smoke weed behind this dumpster and there won’t be any tinkles though.
I love a somewhat seasonally appropriate thirst trap.
Wait, you just said you’re vegetarian but you’re for a cat? To eat? Looks like you needed to proofread this one before posting, no offense.
Wow that was a trip. We hope these categories help make sense of the pure chaos, bliss, and intrigue of ‘missed connections.’ Be careful and do not meet up with strangers without going to a safe public space and telling somewhere where you are, and maybe even location sharing on your phone with them. OK? OK, bye!
